I used to be invincible. I could destroy my mind and body for weeks and still go tubin' without sunscreen. I was probably already wearing trunks. I ran in the woods and fell off moving vehicles. A friend asked me recently if I'd ever stolen a boat. I can't remember why he asked me that, but it made sense at the time. I naturally answered "no". Then I thought for a minute. Three! I've stolen 3 boats in my life, and apparently it's not even a big deal to me.
Once when I was 18 I sat in the back of a speeding pickup with 5 friends on the way to a party in the North Woods of Ely, Mn. We passed around 4 bottles of Jagermeister and killed all of them in 30 minutes. I don't remember my foot hitting the ground after the truck stopped, but everyone agrees I hung out all night and yelled at the cops when they came, and gave directions to the guy who drove us home. (They were directions to my parents house 5 hours away, but still..). I woke on my bedroom floor with a ladder on top of me, puked all afternoon, and then dropped acid and painted my face for the Halloween party. I hit on a girl that night and it worked. That was also the night a guy who's neck was wider than his head told me he hated to urinate. "Man, I gotta piss.", he said. Then he looked at my giant googly eyeballs and said, "I HATE PISSIN'." What does that MEAN???!!!
Nowadays if someone offers me a beer I ask how hoppy it is. "I don't like things that are too hoppy.", I'll say.
I've been doing stand up comedy for 13 years and last Wednesday I drove 5 hours to do a show in a hotel banquet hall, because their bar was being renovated. The crowd sat in a brightly lit room with nothing on the walls and no music before the show. Quiet. There was no spotlight so the manager offered to dim the lights way down with no light on the stage. I said that no one would be able to see me. "They can hear you", she offered. I asked if this was the first week they were doing the show in this room. It was the 6th week. What about the spotlight that they usually use in the bar area that they normally do the shows? Ah. They don't use one. I'm the only performer, or human, to also use my face to communicate. No choice but to do the show with all the lights on. The microphone was lightweight and wireless. It made an interesting distortion drive thru window sound, and all I had to do was hit it on the stool when it cut out and it would come back on. You need two things for a comedy show; to be able to SEE and HEAR the performer. Three things, if you want to include making the audience comfortable by say, dimming the lights a bit and not having it so quiet when they come in sober that no one wants to talk too loud for fear of being overheard. This was the room I was performing in. In North Dakota. Again. I'd done this room before, two years ago. How does none of this dawn on anyone year after year? No one asks, "Is there anything we could do to make this weird vibe less awkward?" Or "Should we fix the microphone?" Whatever, I would do it again tomorrow because I love doing stand up and I get to bring my friends to open and I'm not booked anywhere else. I'm going to try and change that last part.
I'm 37 and I've never blogged, but oh hey I'm just going to start BLOGGING now? Actually I'm just trying to fill my little webby with content so it looks like I give a shit and maybe someone will read it and tell some friends and maybe someday I'll be a draw someday and then the midwest hotel bar managers will listen to my pleas for professional equipment and ambiance considerations. Welcome to my website! I'm going to try and put up stories and videos and show dates and EVERYTHING. Thanks for reading, I love you all!!